June 21, 2023

If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. 

1 John 1:9 esv

Apart from the knowledge and grace of the LORD - the search for any sort of “authentic self” is a crushing and ultimately destructive endeavor.  I spent some time this afternoon watching an outdated MTV documentary on trans youth and was struck by a common refrain shared by every subject of the short film - almost everybody was haunted by a dogged lack of acceptance, a deep sense of inner alienation and an urge to “become” who they knew they were. In order to achieve this, what is true of each person either has to be painted over, or surgically chiseled away to “uncover” the imagined ideal. The more radical the effort for discovery - the deeper the damage done. 

Sadly, the scalpel that cuts deep enough to damage does not cut deep enough to restore so, inevitably, the sense of alienation, and urge to “become” never really goes away. If the apparent solutions disappoint and fail, but the feeling never really dissipates - what is one to do? Psalm 42:5 gives a clue: “why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation.” The Psalmist does not paper over his own sense turmoil, but interrogates it and its causes, before ultimately steering his will to recognize and praise the LORD as his salvation. Confession is the doorway out of despair - leaving our sins and our own haunting sense of fallenness at the throne of the LORD is far from doing nothing, it is a radical act of trust that the LORD will act according to his nature and might. 

—Matt Allhands